I'm SICK!

I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday.
My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."
My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.
One of the guys in my department phoned at 11:30 on a Tuesday to explain why he hadn't come into work that week: " I went to a party on Saturday and met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be at work in an hour or so .
I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by CPS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.
There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.
I slipped in the shower and torque my knee. I can't walk on it at all.I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.
I'm calling in blind - just can't see myself working for you today...!
I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser, of which the batteries fell out; And I over slept.
I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.
I'm calling in sick - of working for your company...!
I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her

I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition
Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today.
I'll be late for work today because the train had a flat tire and I had to help change it.I won't be in today. I was up all week-end with this new girl I met and I didn't get any sleep....if you know what I mean!
My boyfriend can't come to work, today. He's sick and has 111 degree temperature
"My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her."
I am unable to come to work today. I tried lifting our baby daughter out of her crib and twisted my back.
I can't come in to work today, my sister tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and broke her wrist. I have to take her to the hospital.I'm sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!
On my way to work today, my tooth cracked. I'll be going to the dentist
I am going to be late because this morning the sole came off of my son's tennis shoe. I have to wait until the mall opens at 10:00 to buy him some more shoes. The Boss: Well can he wear another pair of shoes to school? ME: On what you pay me, he doesn't have another pair. The bank opens at 9:00 I have to go by there and take out a loan for the new shoes. Be there as soon as I can

I'll be a little late today. I washed my car yesterday and then parked it right away (and since this has happened before I should have remembered) but I set the parking brake and now one wheel is stuck. I would drive my wife's car, but the last time this happened, I just drove the car 'till the wheel broke free, but this time it stayed stuck and now my car is in the middle of the road, so I really need to fix it before I come in.
The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today - so I won't be in to work.
I didn't want to be late for work again today so I called in sick instead!Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.
I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.
My dog dug a hole through the wall trying to get to a rabbit under my trailer. I have to get it patched because the trailer is for sale and someone is coming to look at it tomorrow.